Sunday, July 23, 2006

Fighting With Terrorists Mano-a-Monologue

You know what? It’s entirely possible that it’s just too hot to come up with anything new to post today. No, check me on that. It is too hot. Yesterday it actually reached 119 degrees in these parts, but it felt like 120. I walked the dog at 7:00 last night as the sun was over the horizon, and it still felt as if the rays were burning some of my parts.

I was going to get away from politics and post an old “weekend sermon” from the past--you know, one of those occasional raids on the wild godhead. But as I was rummaging around looking for a suitable one, I came across some old gags that gave me a chuckle. Some of them have never appeared here, having been left as comments on other sites by me or Petey.

What is it with the Left, anyway? Why is there so much worldwide sympathy for the terrorists? Everyone thinks Eisenhower warned us about the dangers of the "military-industrial complex." Not true. What he said was "beware of the mullah-terror and nasty-old-leftist complex."

Amazingly, a lot of these terror supporters are Jews, like Noam Chomsky. At least if Chomsky becomes a little more self-hating, he won't recognize his own right to exist, and then we'll be rid of him.

Apparently, there are Hizballah cells all through America. And not just in the prisons, er, Islamic gated communities. I say the FBI needs to infiltrate some of these radical mosques and do some basic ignorance gathering. Maybe its a cliché, but the federal pen is mightier than the jihadi sword.

I don’t know. If Gaza and Lebanon feel so threatened, here's an idea: why not just build a big fence to keep all the Jews out?

All the liberal boneheads are talking about sending some kind of high-level emissary to the region to broker a peace deal, like Jimmy Carter. Ironic, because we wouldn't be in this mess with Iran if it hadn't been for Carter's little pills back in 1979.

I hate to say ayatollah ya' so, but it looks like Iran is well on their way to having a nuclear weapon. Frankly, I wasn't so worried until they detected large shipments of leather crossing the border. This can only mean one thing. The mullahs are trying to build a suicide belt large enough to deliver a bomb.

But at least the nuclear watchdogs at the UN are on the case. After much debate, they told Iran in no uncertain terms that if they should ever develop a nuclear suitcase bomb, it will have to be small enough to fit into the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of them.

It's pretty odd when you can be less than five years away from the nuclear bomb but more than five centuries away from the nuclear age.

Of course, some people say that Israel has nukes, so why can't Iran? Yes, but blurring the distinction between terrorists and their victims is clearly anti-semantic. Or is it allahgory? Anyway, it's a farce only a mullah could love.

But at least this is triggering a debate in the Muslim world. Mainstream Muslims are outraged that so-called moderates are trying to hijack Islam and reduce jihad to a mealy-mouthed internal struggle with oneself instead of a glorious war of conquest and colonization to impose a worldwide caliphate.

Don’t you think we need a moratorium on the inane "hijacking Islam" phrase? Instead, we ought to consider LoJacking Islamists, so we know where they are at all times.

People say that Islam and Judaism are similar, since they're both based on the inerrant word of God, but I'm not so sure. After all, thinking critically about the Torah makes you Jewish, whereas thinking critically about the Koran makes you dead. Apparently there are other differences as well. I saw a sign at a pro-terror demonstration that read "Jesus saves. Moses invests. Mohammad plunders."

Some people say we need to be more culturally sensitive, perhaps teach the Koran in our schools. After all, it's only fair, since they teach Mein Kampf in every Muslim country. I have a better idea. I think we might begin by showing deep respect and sensitivity to the Islamic tradition of blowing up people with whom we disagree.

Personally, I do think we've got a wrong-headed approach. Instead of questioning terrorists and flushing the Koran down the toilet, how about questioning the Koran and flushing terrorists down the toilet?*

And Kofi Annan is very concerned about the situation in Lebanon. This is bad, because you know what happened the last time he was this upset--he nearly skied himself senseless in Switzerland. Plus he's already busy dealing with his son's misbehavior. The other night he had to send Kojo to bed early without his oil-for-food. And of course he denies any knowledge of his son's misdeeds. In fact, Annan acknowledged that "I got my Kojo workin', but he just don't work for me."

What good is this Kofi Annan? Someone asked him about the allegations of UN peacekeepers trading candy to children for sexual favors, but he said he didn't know anything about the oral-for-food program. Much less any UN piece-copping mission.

And France? Forget about it. Everyone thinks they're anti-Semitic, but they're actually quite evenhanded toward Jews and Palestinians. True, they want the Palestinians to have a homeland, but they also clamored for the return of Jews to their homeland in Germany during W.W.II.

Hey, at least we won’t have to suffer through "Gunga Dan" Rather popping up in Lebanon, doing a kiss-ass interview with the head of Hizballah. You know, after he was fired from his anchor job, CBS said they'd let Rather do sixty minutes. Yes, and not a second more.

Too bad, we almost got "number two" in al Qaeda, the infamous Dr. Zawahiri. He's an Islamic pediatrician, which means that he cares for children from the time they're born until the day they blow up. He still gets the occasional call from a worried parent, asking for a psychiatric referral for a teenager obsessed with not killing himself. He usually just offers reassurance, telling the parent, “don’t worry. He’s probably just a late kabloomer.” If it’s worse than that, he always has the same prescription: "Take out two infidels and call me when you're mourning." By the way, did you know that Zawahiri graduated summa boom loudly from Holy Martyr Medical School?

Speaking of which, did you know that when the kids "play doctor" with each other in the Arab world, the little boys perform mock clitoridectomies on the girls? I read a study that says that in some Muslim countries, sixty percent of the girls are forced to undergo clitoridectomies. I like to look on the bright side. This means that forty percent of the girls can run faster than their brothers.

They recently held a counter-terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia. In fact, they say that never has so much evil been arrayed at one table since Yasser Arafat dined alone. Where else can the president of Libya hobnob with the president of Iran? "Mr. Gadhafi, meet Mr. Godawful." They're calling it an "Arab think tank." Now there's an oxymoron. Shouldn't it be "rage tank," "seethe tank," or maybe "shark tank?" Or how about "whine cellar?" I wish Muslims would have a civil war with each other, but all they ever do is snivel more about Israel.

But I don't know if they can solve the terror problem so long as Saudi banks are funding it. That's right: the loan arranger is a mosqued imam. Where else but a Saudi bank can you visit your moolah and mullah at the same time? True, Muslims are not supposed to charge interest, but their loans have cost many people an arm and a leg. In order to get one, you have to provide a lot of collateral. Damage, that is.

That Ahmadinejad is a few goats short of a harem. Either that or a few nails short of suicide bomb. Amazingly, he doesn't believe the Holocaust happened. That's right, he even recently suggested working with Germany to investigate the matter. He's actually open to a change of heart. If their scientific conference “proves" the Holocaust really happened, he'll be saying "hey, I think I can work with these people."

I read a story the other day about China selling arms to the Sudan, which, last time I checked, was committing genocide against Christians. That reminded me of some of the lost sayings of Confucius:

--Confucius say Chinese government like peeping Tom--enjoy watching Christians get screwed.

--Confucius say Euro who feed allahgator get eaten last.

--Confucius say man who do business with Muslim must beware of evil in tent.

Unfinished song parody: In the Ghetto, by Elvis Presley:

As the sand blows
On a hot and gray Ramallah mornin'
A poor little Muslim Boy is born
In the ghetto
And his mama schemes
Cause if there's one thing that she sure wants
Its another little suicidal dunce
In the ghetto

People, don't you understand
The child needs a crazed imam
So he'll grow to be an angry young man some day
Take a look at you and me,
Are we just too PC,
Do we simply turn our heads
And look the other way?

Well the world turns
And the Jew-hating beast dressed all in black
Lobs rocks in the street as his dad hides back
In the ghetto

And his anger burns...

And new lyrics for an old Neil Young song, Ohio:

Tin beanie on Neil Young's noggin,
He’s finally off his nut.
Big bummer his mind is crumblin’,
Brain dead old stoned psycho.

Crosby warned Neil 'bout it,
Agents are tapping his phones,
Should have been stopped long ago.
But now that Bush found him, and
Put a chip in his brain,
How can he sleep when it glows?

Tin beanie on Neil Young's noggin,
He’s finally ‘round the bend.
Much dumber'n a bag of hammers,
Poor dude’s an ol' psycho,
Poor dude’s an ol' psycho,
Grandpa is plum loco,
Old geezer is stone wacko,
Gray doddering AARP nutso,
Old babbling freak schizo,
Self-meds don't work no mo',
Gives ammo to all drug foes,
Steals lyrics from dailykos...


*Yes, I know we didn't really flush any Korans down the toilet.


Anonymous said...

Bob -
How about a no-beverage warning?

Now, thanks to Noam not recognizing his own right to exist, I'll be laughing at random moments and getting curious stares.
Plus, I scared the dog.

Synchronicity: Fr. led off his sermon this morning with the plot of "Lord of the Flies", in which the marooned kids, in their ignorance and fear, concoct a primitive religion that demands, yes - human sacrifice.
I love it when sync occurs, but it's still spooky.
Today's readings were about good shepherding - he used the boys as a metaphor of mankind in general.
He also pointed out via Jeremiah, that there were and will be some bad shepherds out there, so discern.

And re: the last comment on the Sat. thread - could we please have a discussion on incarnation and detachment sometime? I can't tell, not knowing enough about Buddhism, if he was serious or satirical.

Gagdad Bob said...


Yes, one of my hobbies is buddhaflaw correcting, but right now it's just too hot to pursue them...

Anonymous said...

This piece was such a tour de force, the awe I feel makes me want to bite my toes.

Gagdad Bob said...

Perhaps you meant "tour de farce." Or "manure de horse."

Anonymous said...

I'll maneuver da whores soon's I'm done urinating the gardinator.

How about some of the master?

" --My name is absurd too: Malachi Mulligan, two dactyls. But it has a Hellenic ring, hasn't it? Tripping and sunny like the buck himself. We must go to Athens. Will you come if I can get the aunt to fork out twenty quid? "

Gagdad Bob said...

Scuse us, choralear guy--

You tollerday donsk? N. You tolkatiff scowegian? Nn. You spigotty anglease? Nnn. You phonio saxo? Nnnn. Clear all so! 'Tis a Jute. Let us swop hats and excheck a few strong verbs weak oach eather....

Anonymous said...

The game's afoot, Whatney, let's go a' parsin:

"Scuse us"
-- Two uses of "us" in what's clearly the subject. Shoulda coulda been "scwee we".

"chorlear guy"
-- That's me, but it makes me sad, choleric.

-- Difficult to parse that. Nixon?

"You tolkatiff scowegian?"
-- I may be a verbocious Scottish vegan, but my briefs are no concern of yours.

-- It's beglaringly obfious, but still not putting my elbow on it.

"You spigotty anglease?"
-- What's that What? The Godfather's lease on his spiggot is up?

"You phonio saxo?"
-- Now this is damm good. Several clues, most false, Whatney. Let's try "Englishman on Viagra" (Sony sex).

"Nnnn. Clear all so!"
-- I did try the clearasil, but still not cleared up yet on that Nnnn part

"'Tis a Jute."
-- Well naw poddner, this one got's me stomped.

"Let us swop hats and excheck a few strong verbs weak oach eather"
-- Swabbing chat is what I do. I'm almost past my limit of strong verbs this go around, dizzilated, but here's one (JJ and Hawking think it's a noun, tho): Quark on.

Gagdad Bob said...

A leery Scot? What a quhare sort of a mahan are you. Your voise are almost inedible to me. Are you a jeffmute or only a nutterer? Become a bitskin more wiseable, as if I were you.

Anonymous said...

Dang. The articulations around here are too copious for my diminished mental capacity, and the flow of elocution is expansive and extemporary to the point of... well, ehmmm.. what was the point??

Anonymous said...

Haithens forfend, Herr Doktor. Aber "jeffmute"? Ich mochte zutracken. I'll be back for the biscuits tho, they're tasty.

Sala kahle, Nkhosiami.

Gagdad Bob said...

No need to get french with us, Joan. We apologize for our d'arc syntax. We will now pitch our tense in a familar locution. No more inrisible mythsemantics or whindi punnish antics.

The Tetrast said...

Check out those puns! Does Mark Steyn know about you yet?

Anonymous said...

Latin me that, my Trinity scholard, out of eure sanscreed into oure eryan...

PSGInfinity said...



Go ahead, smoke some more!

Anonymous said...

d'arc syntax
For that, I forgive you! Worth the price of admission.

Anonymous said...

At 12:01 AM EDT, after a full day of reading about and watching the play by play of the war, it is nice to laugh a bit.

Also glad to find a place where I can post this crazy but very logical thought.

What do the Israelis desperately need right now to balance "world opinion"?

Answer is fresh "shiska" cadavers. There just are not enough DEAD JEWS for the world. It is quite aggravating that they build all those bomb shelters for the protection of their citizens vs building bunkers for their bombs.

They also have that thing about caring for their aged - when it would really help their PR if they took away their asprins and statins and then get all those non-productive oldsters to stand outside during the rocket attacks.
Israel needs to up their bodycount - not bodies of the enemy but bodies of their own.

The world is INSANE - NO

Shame that that Georgia crematorian guy is in the slammer - he sure could have helped out.

The cartoons that Dr.Sanity
posted a few days ago say it all.

I had these thoughts after having an initial feeling of relief that a few Israelis were killed today.

That's what happens when SCOTUS grants terrorists rights. And the world punishes Israel for doing a government's primary job.

I still have not seen any breaking news by CNN or MSNBC that reports:
"Israel finally kills a Militant".

Sharon's sons are with him, his liver is failing. I think the old strategist is in a big rush to get a better view of the battlefield and to be able to send down "plan dreams" to the commanders in the field.

Anonymous said...

Punday Times (TM) is back!
With all askew
Punny Pages! (TM)
Featuring the worlds most obnoxious man (TM) (according to MucKos)!
See! This sold out shew!
Buy! One ticket to paradise!
Don't! Applaud, just throw money (American please)!
Okay! You can applaud, if you throw money too
(American please)!
You will laugh!
You will cry (if you're still human)!
You will be amazed!
You will (okay, I think everyone gets it (or not))!
Remember! To listen to the Bobblehead band!
Funky improv abounds at ONE COSMOS! (Play it Brother)!

All rights preserved.

Anonymous said...

I totally concur, but I think "Shiska" means "Gentile of the female persuasion". Especially the one who wants to marry your son the doctor.

excellent points, though.

Anonymous said...

now that I've had my tea, I realize that it's 'shicksa'.
But given this thread, does it matter?

Anonymous said...

I couldn't recall the word that refers to gentiles. Hebrew tradition in caring for their dead is very strict. They would probably hang someone who did what that fellow in Geogia did. I know they don't even have a death penalty.

I thought that it is a shame all those Hollywood Jewish tycoons are so far left that they would never farm out their FX departments. You know al la the Allies/ Churchill's
"Bodyguard of lies"-all that FX prior to the Normandy landings.

Oh, finally late last night a reporter in Beirut reported "Eleven Militants are among the ~320 dead in Lebanon."
That means that the Israelis don't even have 1 enemy kill per day.

Sounds accurate to me.