Monday, January 16, 2006

Smiling Through a Bad Mahmoud

I hate to say ayatollah ya' so, but it looks like Iran is well on their way to having a nuclear weapon. Frankly, I wasn't so worried until they detected large shipments of leather crossing the border into Iran. This can only mean one thing. They're trying to build a suicide belt large enough to deliver a bomb.

It's pretty odd when you can be less than twelve months away from the atomic bomb but more than twelve centuries away from the atomic age.

As usual, the Europeans are busy trying to appease the Iranians. But you know what they say: if you feed the allahgator, he'll just blow you up last. And then he'll shed Qur'acodile tears.

But at least this is triggering a debate in the Muslim world. Traditional Muslims are rightfully outraged at so-called moderates trying hijack Islam and reduce jihad to a mealy-mouthed internal struggle with oneself instead of a glorious war of conquest and colonization to impose a worldwide caliphate.

I don't know. I think we need a moratorium on the inane "hijacking Islam" phrase. Instead, we ought to consider LoJacking Islamists, so we know where they are at all times.

Of course, some people say that Israel has nukes, so why can't Iran? Yes, but blurring the distinction between terrorists and their victims is clearly anti-semantic. Or is it allahgory?

If Iran feels so threatened, here's an idea: why don't they just build a big fence to keep all the Jews out?

People say that Islam and Judaism are similar, since they're both based on the inerrant word of God, but I'm not so sure. After all, thinking critically about the Torah makes you Jewish, whereas thinking critically about the Koran makes you an infidel. Apparently there are other differences as well. I saw a bumper sticker that read "Jesus saves. Moses invests. Mohammed plunders."

Some people say we need to be more culturally sensitive, perhaps teach the Koran in our schools. After all, it's only fair, since they teach Mein Kampf in every Muslim country. I have a better idea. I think we might begin by showing deep respect and sensitivity to the Islamic tradition of blowing up people with whom we disagree.

Personally, I do think we've got a wrong-headed approach. Instead of questioning terrorists and flushing the Koran down the toilet, how about questioning the Koran and flushing terrorists down the toilet?*

And Kofi Annan is very concerned about the situation. This is bad, because you know what happened the last time he was this upset--he nearly skied himself senseless in Switzerland. Plus he's already busy dealing with his son's misbehavior. The other night he had to send Kojo to bed early without his oil-for-food.

But Cindy Sheehan doesn't care. She still thinks President Bush is the biggest terrorist in the world. Which only goes to show you. To lose a son is a tragedy. To lose your mind is just plain careless.

I'm kind of surprised not to see "Gunga Dan" Rather over in the Middle East, doing a kiss-ass interview with President Ahmadinejad. You know, after he was canned, CBS said they'd let Rather do sixty minutes. Apparently, not a second more.

It's too bad, we almost got "number two" in al Qaeda, the infamous Dr. Zawahiri. He's an Islamic pediatrician, which means that he cares for children from the time they're born until the day they blow up. He still gets the occasional call from a worried parent, asking for a psychiatric referral for a teenager obsessed with not killing himself. His prescription is always the same: "Take out two infidels and call me in the morning." By the way, did you know that Zawahiri graduated summa boom loudly from Holy Martyr Medical School?

They recently held a counter terrorism conference in Saudi Arabia. In fact, they say that never has so much evil been arrayed at one table since Yasser Arafat dined alone. Where else can the president of Libya hobnob with the president of Iran? "Mr. Gadhafi, meet Mr. Godawful." They're calling it an "Arab think tank." Now there's an oxymoron. Shouldn't it be "rage tank," "resentment tank," or "seethe tank?" Or how about "whine cellar?"

But I don't know if they can solve the terror problem so long as Saudi banks are funding it. That's right: the loan arranger is really a mosqued imam! Where else but a Saudi bank can you visit your moolah and mullah at the same time? True, they're not supposed to charge interest, but their loans have cost many people an arm and a leg. In order to get one, you have to provide a lot of collateral. Damage, that is.

Amazingly, the president of Iran doesn't believe the Holocaust happened. That's right, he's even suggested a "scientific conference" to investigate the matter. He's actually open to a change of heart. If their scientific conference "proves" that the Holocaust really happened, he'll be saying "hey, I think we can work with these people."

But I just don't think this Ahmadinejad is going to back down. He's an example of what I call ghoul under fire.

*Yes, I know we didn't really flush any Korans down the toilet.


LiquidLifeHacker said...

Bob....this was great!

I don't know if anyone has shared sitepal with you, but I think you could bring Petey to life with it on your blog. The program is easy and you can pick your own character and use your own voice.

Check it out sitepal

StRage said...

You should take that on the road.....

Too funny!

Assistant Village Idiot said...

Don't give up your day job. (BidDAH Boom)

Some of those lines are keepers, though.

Anonymous said...

you are sooo brilliant.

We should have been taking it to these nutcases before 9/11. We should invade syria and take over saudi arabia and its oil before osama does. And we need to conduct random raids on the houses on muslims in places like mini mecca=dearborn michigan. And screw the ACLU !! no warrants needed !!!

jwm said...


I picture three women in burkhas brandishing knives, and singing
Wannta Wannta
Wannta Fatwa.
Wannta Wannta
Wannta Fatwa...


Assistant Village Idiot said...

I hope anonymous 9:07 is a sock puppet or troll. If s/he's real s/he needs to get a grip.