Looking for Comedy in the Islamist World

In Albert Brooks' film, Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, he imagines himself given a special assignment by the U.S. government: "Maybe the only way to really understand somebody is to see what makes them laugh," he is told. "Go to India and Pakistan, write a 500-page report, and tell us what makes the Muslims laugh."

As a matter of fact, Petey has been looking for comedy in the Islamist World since 9-12-01, but in a different way. That is, he thinks that the best way to really understand somebody is to see what makes them laughable. He makes no bones about his belief that the terrorists are completely insane, and that they are much more worthy of mockery and ridicule than fear or respect. The "war on terror" would end tomorrow if these jihadis would just wake up, have a big laugh, and realize what perfect asses they've been.

But who has ever seen a jihadi laugh, except for one of those hollow, bitter, mocking ones, like Dr. Evil? That's the problem. Something is terribly out of balance if comedians feel free to ridicule conservative Christians or President Bush or Catholic priests, but never conservative Muslims, crazy imams, or corrupt Palestinian leaders. It's like a symptom of the disease we are trying to eradicate. Can't we all just make fun of each other? It's a much healthier way to express aggression.

For example, if I were to run into bin Laden, I might let him know that I actually understand why he needs so many wives. After all, if you're going to play by Taliban tules, you never know what sort of beast lurks beneath that burka. Who wants to make a lifetime commitment to the child bride behind cave door number two, sight unseen? There's safety in numbers.

I read somewhere that Mohammed "is regularly cited as the most common name in the world, though there is no concrete evidence." Oh really? What about all the flying concrete? Not to mention glass and steel?

And the Palestinians? Forget about it. They finally have their own state in Gaza, but I don't know if they're going to be able to do much with it. It can't be easy spending your whole life trying to blow up something constructive, only to see it rebuilt before your eyes.

And state or no state, Palestinian women won't have a prayer. Literally. They don't allow them to even pray with the men in the Mosque. I can't say I blame them. Who wants to go to the mosque expecting a perfectly sublime Day of Rage, only to have these women turn it into a sleazy Day of Lust?

The men are naturally confused and conflicted by standing behind a woman while she’s bowing and kneeling. Rather, women are supposed to face their husbands while bowing and kneeling. When it comes to prayer, the imam is quite adamant about it: "You can't join 'em, so beat 'em!"

But I guess the battle between the sexes runs pretty deep over there. In the Palestinian territories, women don't have the right to bare arms, only the right to bear armed children. And when the children "play doctor," the boys perform mock clitoridectomies on the girls.

And how about the wild anti-Semitism they teach in their schools? Somebody called Abbas on it, and he said he was shocked that they were teaching hatred of Jews in their schools. In an interview in Throwing Stone magazine, he said that in the future, students will be taught to murder Jews and to just leave their feelings out of it.

But what's really depressing is their class reunions. They're so sparsely attended. I don't know why they should be surprised, when their best schools boast of a 90% detonation rate.

Anyway, the Palestinians can always rely on our good friends, the Saudis. Did you know that Saudi banks fund a lot of their terror operations? Of course, they don't just hand out the money to anyone. Rather, you've got to be able to provide a lot of collateral damage.

But it doesn't matter. There's always some Jew-hating American like Rachel Corrie who will take the terrorist's side. Her parents should be quite proud. There aren't many parents who can honestly say that their child was just as useful an idiot in death as they were in life. But still, that doesn't make up for the loss. They sued Caterpillar because one of their bulldozers accidentally turned toward her and flattened her. In fact, this was the first known case of a Caterpillar turning into a bitterflake.

How about Iran? They may be the first culture to skip the toenail clipper stage of technological development and go straight to nuclear power. I understand it's taking some time because they're trying desperately to develop a weapon that will destroy New York but leave the Times unharmed.

Anyway, we've got our own problems in America, what with these Wahhabi-lobbies like CAIR, that supposedly represent decent Muslims. Actually, they don't represent good Muslims, only the rank-and-foul. In fact, those Muslim doctors in the UK botched the terror operation so badly, CAIR is going to sue them for malpractice.

Me, I don't get it with these doctors. If they wanted to destroy western civilization, why did they spend all that time in medical school? Why not just go to journalism school, like everyone else?

And the U.N. is no bargain. They sent those Jordanian troops on a peace keeping mission in Timor, and they ended up abusing the children. Apparently it was a big misunderstanding -- the Jordanians thought it was supposed to be a piece-copping mission. D'oh! From what I understand, the men offered the children candy in exchange for sexual services, in what is already being called the "oral for food" scandal. Personally, I say "U.S. out of the U.N., U.N. out of Timorese boys!"

This was actually going to be a big story in the New York Times until further investigation revealed that the Jordanian peacekeepers weren't even Catholic, much less priests.

But once again Kofi Annan is pulling the wool over our eyes. If only it were wool panties, this story would would be huge in the MSM.

badda-BING